Jorge

In the tradition of psychedelic plant medicines, it appears that ayahuasca is connected to the female energy, to Mother earth, to the forces that ground us into the emotional realm; in turn, mescaline, from the Peyote and San Pedro cacti, is more about the “airy” male energy, that wants to run, fly and ascent into the outer world, perhaps even connect with the Gods above; finally, mushrooms (and truffles, of which mushrooms grow from) represent the energy of the child. Playful, free, creative, and wild. Deeply rooted in the body.

Indeed, it is easy to imagine little mushrooms playing naked, on the ground in a forest, as the children of the family plant world above them. If there is any truth to this, then my first psilocybin trip on a high dose was fitting. I laughed, I cried tears of joy, I danced, and I felt playful. I felt desire deep in my body. I was neither in emotional turmoil or dragged into my past, nor did I envision anything concrete about my future, as I thought I might. I just was “there”, deeply connected with my fellow humans, present, and having fun. In an adult playground, where life is as light and joyful as it is real.

The venue (and the food)

The old church turned into a retreat center in the cost of The Netherlands, 40km from Amsterdam, was just perfect. Beautiful, with a mix of modern and old, full or wood and some natural art, spacious but cozy, with places to gather and to be alone. A nice fire place in the middle of the main area sets the warm tone for the entire space. It hosts a large, naturally lighted, high-ceiling room which used for the ceremonies and the group circles. I could imagine a better place for a retreat hosting a small group like we were on December 2028, for my experience: 14 participants and 8 staff. The food was fully vegetarian, cooked alongside all of us the entire time, and delicious. Enough, but not too much. L, a past business consultant turned full time cook, was discreet but very efficient. And always smiling.

The facilitating team

The first thing to say: there were many team members, and I was immediately comforted that it was the case. Two main facilitators, D and N, then T, R, A, and S as the support team for the facilitators, and also F the breathwork expert (plus the cook). Warm, open-hearted people is the best way to describe them. All clearly experienced in psychedelics, most/all with the typical story of trips to South America for a variety of experiences. All very grounded, joyful, sensitive, careful, and as present (emotionally) as the participants throughout the entire retreat. As N (who is half-Portuguese), told me at some point: “under psychedelics, participants are so sensitive to theirs and others’ humanity that they can instinctively feel if a facilitator is not fully present herself or himself… if he/she is just doing a job…” We would notice. And they clearly weren’t just working.

D, a very thin and boyish looking man in his 30s, knowledgeable beyond his age, led the retreat sensitively but firmly, with N as a warm and experienced co-leader in the ceremonies and circles. They work flawlessly and naturally together. They are precise yet they improvise; they highlight what is important but don’t exaggerate on information; and they never forget to joke with the group and with themselves. The support team is up to par in all respects and during the ceremony they were all around us, taking care, holding space, attentive but also taking time to connect themselves with the magic of the psychedelic experience, personally or vicariously. They share of themselves, sometimes they tear up, they smile always and they laugh a lot. As A, one of the facilitators, said in one of the group circles, “sometimes I felt like I had also taken the truffles, just from the energy of this group”. But none did. They were professional, respectful, their boundaries were clear. Finally, there was also a Medic that arrived just for the ceremony day. She was needed, but fortunately only for minor work (someone fell in the bathroom and had a minor injury). But her presence was reassuring.

The one on one moments with my assigne facilitator (and my intentions)

The day before but also the day after the main ceremony, every participant met individually with one of the facilitators for about 30 minutes. This was important and very useful for everybody to be seen and heard, individually, and to address intentions, past experiences, expectations and any questions we may had. It was also a moment to talk about our truffles dose, based on our personal story and goals. In my case, it was clear the facilitator (D) knew the information I had sent ahead. I felt listened to and we had a good conversation, despite the fact my intentions were really not too clear. Purposefully. If I wanted to be simple about it, my intention was that the weekend and the trip contributed in some way to the process I undergo in therapy for many years. Which is why I have been using LSD since the summer, in various forms and contexts.

This is what I wrote and sent a week before the retreat, in a lighthearted moment, perhaps already suspecting this would be a lighthearted trip! But in my (typical) heavy-worded style:

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“Dear…

Here are my (hesitant) intentions. Apologies for the wordiness… (I blame it on my shadow 🙂

I hesitate on formulating very specific intentions for the retreat since “goals” may place boundaries and contingencies on a process that should be free from a priori constraints. By all accounts, psychedelic experiences are rich and unpredictable. Also, my current process is one of deep psychological exploration related to ongoing lifelong patterns that are no longer useful. This warrants against superficial or concrete outcomes being formulated as ideal or desired.

Yes, I would like to leave the retreat feeling more open and present with my children and loved ones, as an example. And more “radically” accepting of my lack of constancy and of my insecurities… Be more in touch with my body and its wisdom and less attached to my thinking… Move one step closer to knowing and feeling what love is. Should these be stated as “intentions”?

Maybe a reasonable intention is to come closer to understanding (indeed, see or feel) the origins of these patterns, moving towards releasing its grip on my conscious reality and daily experiences. Be them emotional, cognitive, and (especially) relational. A process-related goal would be any increased access to some of my unconscious material, whether around already known themes (from years of psychotherapy) or via new material, which can feed future work. By definition, much of this material is yet unknown to me, or only vaguely accessible thus far, so I cannot identify it ahead of time. And it may present itself in images or metaphors which may take days and weeks to process and integrate…

As I am in a moment of transition and expansion in life, I would be happy to peer into elements of my future voice. My old one has run its course. So any glimpse into what might (indeed, “should”) be ahead for me would be welcome. This could come from past experiences (ex., around music, writing, communicating ideas, movement/actions, relationships, trips, etc.) or other insights that mix old and current elements in my life, including in the professional realm (for which motivation dwindles, presently). So an intention could be to remain open and attentive to such information during the weekend.

I would like to be present, open, and receptive for the weekend shared experiences, including being attentive to other participants in a mindful and respectful way. There is certainly much to be learned from our collective energy and journeys, and I intend to take full advantage.

Look forward to all of it, whatever it may be.

P.S. – Having a mystical experience of egoless unity with all beings and with the Cosmos would also be nice ;)”

The breathwork session

F, a tall and warm British woman in her 30s, who had spent time in Brazil and South America, conducted this session in preparation for the main ceremony. Breath work, popularized by Stan Grof with his altered states-inducing holotropic breathing sessions, is a popular practice today, in many different forms. F adopted what she calls “transformational breath work”, which consists of breathing in particular ways, which she complements with manual pressure work applied directly in specific points of the body while we breathe rhythmically and non- stop, with a few stops to release some energy using the voice and our arms and legs.

The session last for 60-90 minutes and participants are told they may feel a range of effects, mostly physical (body sensations, muscular contractions) but also potentially light psychological effects.

It was a very nice way for the group to relax, to focus on the body and let go of fears, and open up for the session to come later. I know things got emotional for at least one participant (my roommate) but generally I think there were no major unexpected or intense effects. I felt tingling in arms and legs and my mouth and facial muscles were contracting strangely towards the end of the session. Also, at some point, I was smiling, and even laughing a lot when exhaling, which was fun. That must be a sample of what weed consumers report sometimes after smoking a joint! Interestingly, smiling and laughing and having a joyful time ended up as a theme of my weekend journey, so that was perhaps an omen of things to come. But I didn’t know it then…

The truffles

Having heard about their strange taste, I was fearful of the ingesting experience. Actually, I had expected a tea would be served but learned upon arrival that we would have to eat the truffles raw (they had learned it was illegal to serve truffles tea). When the truffles came, in a small soup-sized bowl, they looked smaller than I thought – peanut size, some a littler bigger, some smaller – which was good. Still, there was quite a bit of them, around 35g, I later found. And only a small pack of raisins and some ginger tea to take them down. The first taste was not as bad as I thought. Hard to describe the sensation now but the consistency was that of a soft, moist, nut. The taste is unique, and “nutty-rubber-earthy” is the best I can use describe it.

I thought of Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush, where he is found cooking and eating the rubber soles from his shoes – “ah, this is what that tasted like”, I said to myself, laughing silently! Like a nut, truffles need to be well chewed, which makes the whole process harder. In any case, with raisins, and some tea and water, I managed to eat everything in 10-15 minutes, not without some effort. The problem came later, when I opted in for a booster dose. I was served perhaps another 20-25g this time but eating was much harder, and at some point I had to stop. I felt I would throw up if I continued. Which means my total dose was perhaps 45-50g. This is the equivalent of 4,5-5g of dried mushrooms. For reference, this is within the range (3-5g) traditionally needed for a “meaningful experience”, 1-3g considered a “light, socializing dose”, and 6+ a dose for a “life-changing” event! So my dose was perhaps on the lower range of “meaningful”…

Considering that truffles are often described as causing lighter, smoother effects compared to mushrooms, looking back, I think I experienced just about what I “should” have: a light but still meaningful ride.

The trip

We ate the truffles, we placed our masks (“mindfolds”) on, and we listened to a meditation speech by Alan Watts, for about 15 minutes. His voice and British accent were soothing and he commented on how to meditate. Then the music started – a mix of a Mendel Kaelen’s pIaylist and some other songs selected by the team. Lying down, it took a while to feel anything. I had cold hands and body and it felt very good to be under the comforter we had brought from our rooms. Perhaps an hour passed, and I still didn’t feel much at all… In fact, I don’t have memory of any significant effect until D, perhaps 2h into it, asked whether anyone wanted a booster.

Most of us did, and later I found that most people were not feeling a lot at that point either. As I sat up to speak to D, and decide on how much more to take, I could feel that my speech and thinking were in fact a bit slow and blurred… I then ate what I could from the second cup. And from then on I alternated between eyes open and covered, laying down and sitting in meditative pose or on my knees. And by then I was getting a little high!

As many have said before, describing a psychedelic trip, even (or perhaps especially) a light one, is difficult. There was lightness and light-heartedness, there was serenity and peace, thinking and feeling were intertwined and going free, fast, and in all directions. Above all, there was no self- doubt or judgment – everything was perfect just as it was. Sometimes I felt like just laying down and curling a little and just “be” in that state, a face of contentment certainly on my face. But then I also wanted to look around, or merely at the ceiling or the world outside the window, and I smiled often at the sight and presence of my fellow travellers, or simply the shape of the windows, or at the little shrine at the center of the room. I felt light, happy, and fully alive. As simple (and meaningful) as it sounds…

The 6 facilitators were all around behind us, and I was mindful of them. Perhaps too mindful, as I knew they were watching over us, which meant they would be looking at me frequently. Two of the women, T and R, were sitting close by behind me. Sometimes, they would stand up and move around and I could see them. By then, my body felt very sensitive and their sensuality was palpable to me. It was not explicitly sexual desire and I cannot remember having an erection, but the desire to feel more in my body was clear. And as I could see these women, I admired their feminine energy and coveted their moving shapes greatly. I wish I could merge with them. I could feel R in particular behind me and I felt very close to asking for her hand (as that was all I could ask for…).

But I didn’t need anything – I just wanted her with me – and so I didn’t. Sometimes I would look back, we would smile at each other, but I would then shy away… I guess I wasn’t high enough for my judgment (or my ego) to be impaired! Later we talked and she said that she had also wanted to come closer a few times but was afraid to disturb my process. By the end of the session, we hugged very closely and warmly a few times, perhaps in a silent acknowledgment of that which was mutual but could be expressed and acted upon in such a setting.

I remember thinking that by asking for a facilitator’s assistance I would also be helping they by giving meaning (usefulnness) to their own experience. They were there to help and care for us, so perhaps I should play my part and give them work to do! Which I ultimately did when, at some point, I listened to a song I had heard and reacted very strongly a month ago while journeying on a small dose of LSD at home with a friend. Then, the song had brought me to tears. This time, I felt myself standing on my knees now to listen closely again. I progressively let the melody and especially the female opera voice enter my ears and my body, and at some point I was crying of emotion, although there was no sadness or any particular feeling associated. It was simply and beautifully touching.

As I cried softly, my back crouched over my knees and my head bent to the side, as if begging for forgiveness, T came closer and caressed my back lightly, to let me know she was there. The music came to an end, and I said to her “it’s so beautiful…”, also to let her know I wasn’t sad or hurting. Our looks briefly crossed and I think I said thank you and laid down. But shorty thereafter, I felt I needed more from (of?) her and I reached out for her hand. She quickly came and kneeled by my side holding my hand, her body next to mine as I laid flat on my back. Another song I knew came up and it was a powerful voiceless passage, which I cannot describe (I later find out it was ‘183 Times’ by Greg Haines) but that had a crescendo nature, growing more and more heavy and intense. At some point I felt T’s hand shaking (a small jerk) as if her body was trembling and feeling the same as mine with that song. Our hands then tightened together and I felt very connected with her, as if we were flying together. After a while we held both out hands together and stayed like that until the end of the song. I later rose, thanked her with my hands in the grateful Buddhist way, and we then hugged. She smelled wonderfully and I could have stayed in that hug for a much longer time…

I don’t have many more memories. I know my mind was active and often I tried to analyze my experience and describe it to myself, without much success. I know I smiled and even laughed a number of times. I felt playful. Closer to the end, a beautiful acoustic guitar piece played and I stood up on my knees again and I danced the entire song. Again I was mindful I was being watched, although my eyes were closed (or perhaps I had the fold on). But I felt very free…

There wasn’t much activity around me, except for C who cried softly for many hours, often getting support from one, sometimes two facilitators. Some participants were sitting in a meditation position, many were laying down, as if sleeping, a few were taking notes and some were just staring at the wall or other participants, their faces “looking inward” more than outward. S sat and shook his head in disbelief and smiled. H seemed to gaze the infinite, eyes wide open, with an expression in his face that resists any written description. Perhaps bliss comes sufficiently close.

For the next 2 hours, people were slowly standing up and leaving the room, sometimes returning back to their mats after having some food outside. I did too and I hugged every participant and staff member I found outside. We had travelled the same voyage. We were united in that way and the recognition and gratitude of the unique shared experience was enough for everybody to just want to hold each other, sometimes kiss on the cheek, or simple smile. I don’t know if I ever saw smiles more open and joyful than that… I wish there were pictures. I later left for a quick shower, before we all joined again in the final circle of the day. Maybe 8h had passed, I am not sure…

The group

Having initially thought that my psychedelic route would lean towards the “therapeutic” modality, i.e. alone with a guide on an inner journey, I was struck by the power of the group and how it opened and “moved” collectively in our gathering. The energy was very rich and always positive. I shared and listened. I laughed and cuddled. I cried with some of their stories and joined in their sadness, struggles, and especially their deep revelations. Even the occasional bliss. I hugged lovingly more times than I can remember. I felt more human, with them and because of their humanity right in front of me, or close to my chest.

“Before, I KNEW there was nothing else out there, I was such a deep-rooted atheist… now I don’t believe there is… I KNOW there is more!” said H describing his amazing mystical ride, before he added, in musical terms that I could so well relate to: “It was wild, not pure… it was more The Doors than the Beatles!”.

“I saw my wife as a beam of light, as a Goddess above… and I was told that reassuring and taking care of her is my life’s purpose… My important project as a nuclear engineer (which I thought was going to save the world) is just a sideshow. I would never, EVER could have seen this with such clarity in my therapy!” said F, a clearly very intelligent and accomplished man in his 50s who has written a book on religion, coming from a well-off and successful French family, and having travelled the world. He added, as convincingly as he was amazed by what he called his revelation: “I came with a lot of questions, but I received clear answers to questions I didn’t know I had”. This is one of the most universal descriptions of a meaningful psychedelic experience…

S talked about the shadow and the light dancing together, and how she could now welcome the dark side into her life, acceptingly and lovingly. C cried almost the entire trip, I still don’t know about what. M, our elder, danced with her hands under the blanket and said she was just having fun and playing the whole time. S, in his late 50s or early 60s, after a heavy life including some drinking problems, just shook his head laughing, sitting in his mat. “I was such a bloody fool… it has been right in front of me the entire time but I didn’t see it. This was life-changing!”, he later said.

A common note for a lot of us was “it was not what I expected or even hoped for…” but everyone was glad to have taken the truffles ride. Together.

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It’s so easy today, as it was then, to recognize the deep truth that we are human largely because we have fellow humans to share our journeys with. I may never see any of these people again, but our shared humanity in that room is something I hope stays in my heart forever, in some place I can access in moments of disconnection, doubt, or fear. Trusting is possible.

Openness is the way. Defenseless, even if armed with our strengths, and the joy and lightness that naturally flows from being fearless. In fact, this was what I said to the group, in our initial sharing circle: that I wanted to feel defenseless and joyful by at the end of the weekend. I guess I did. And, almost two weeks after, I still did.

“There is so much learning to be done”, had said a friend recently, reflecting on her regularly scheduled psychedelic experiences. This was but another small part of precisely that journey for me. Learning wide-openly and joyfully – much in the spirit of the mushroom child. Let there be more!